Prayer?

O God, when work and responsibility 

wrap around my life like a woolen cloak, 

and wonder is closed off from my life; 

throw aside my protection. 

Guide me back to those places 

where my soul lies open to the cool breath 

of the mystery of your Spirit. 

I ask this for the sake of your great Love. Amen

My Monday morning confession is this: I pray but I do not always understand why I pray. This prayer which one of my dear friends sent me, comes close to expressing what I feel about prayer. Prayer does allow me, for that moment, to throw off the cloak of my worry, my self preoccupation (self pity) and my feelings of being overwhelmed. At the same time prayer sends me deeper into the folds of the "mysterium tremendum": the overwhelming mystery of God. 

I have long ago set aside the picture of God seated above the earth, moving hurricanes and tornadoes around to punish the guilty and convince the innocent. Nor do I think God's finger pushes over a wall here or puts out a fire there. I know that I am somewhat schizophrenic in my beliefs about prayer. I thank God for everything I have; every sunset and sunrise that encourages me seems set there for me by God. Every prayer that becomes reality I give thanks to God for that "answered prayer". But when prayer is not answered, when I remain discouraged or watch suffering and injustice all around me, how then do I interpret and make sense of prayer. Am I, and those around me, just not praying "hard" enough! Those are the times when I, like an out of control car on ice, slide into the arms of Mystery. This is Mystery which is surely a part of God; it is that cool misty place which is Spirit. Here things are not always seen clearly...this is not the black and white world that I desire. This is the grey mist of uncertainty; and it is here that I am changed. 

In those rational moments when I want to say what I do believe about prayer it is this: Prayer changes us. I lean on C.S Lewis for this understanding, although I have confirmed this belief in my own life over and over. 

I know that this will shock you but since I have retired from being a full - time priest I sometimes don't go to church! Sometimes I just want to stay in my "cathedral of mountain laurel and rhododendron" here on Ivy Lane and be still. If that is too much of a shock for you, just take a deep breath and read on. Yesterday I did go to church. I went to the place where I feel at home. Like Cheers, it is the place where everybody knows my name. It is the place where my family here in the mountains worships. There were many prayers in my heart for those whom I love and for situations I don't understand but grieve over. I can't begin to name the things that comforted me yesterday: the hymns, people in the pew with me, the liturgy's words imprinted on my heart, bread and wine.... During the Eucharist, two women made themselves available as a prayer team to pray with those who desired and so I went asking for "healing". No specifics needed...just healing. When I sat down afterwards, my knees still hurt but my heart was lighter. I felt encouraged although I could not say exactly why. I was changed. I had left a lot of "stuff" tucked into the arms of the Spirit and, though I would return to pick it up again; I would be ever so slightly changed in my heart. 

That's where I am on this Monday...and I hope your journey is a joy this day.